Welcome to Honest Scripts, a cross between parody, Cliff Notes, and sarcastic criticism. For the record, I am a DC head, but I know what I am getting into.
If you are interested in reading a story that is just as crazy as this script, head over to Larna Versus The Lifepires.
EXT. COLD OPEN ISLAND
We open to see a giant rock thing that is being cut open by lasers. Why is it there? What is it doing? No one knows and we aren't going to explain it.
MS. KORD: Ha ha ha...after one thousand years I am finally free to take over Earth.
HENCHMAN: Ms. Kord, you are reading the script to Power Rangers.
MS. KORD: Ha ha ha...after one thousand years I can finally get the scarab and take over Earth.
GO GO BIG BAD BEETLE BORGS!
INT. AIRPORT
JAMIE REYES: I am finally home from (random college) where I got (random degree). Time to make a name for myself and assist my poor uneducated family who lives in squalor.
PAPA: I had a heart attack.
MAMA: We are losing the house.
UNCLE: Your dog died from a government agency.
NANA: DC is tanking and you won't get a sequel.
MILAGRO: Spanish people can never portray successful people in these movies.
JAMIE: We suck again!
INT. KORD INDUSTRIES
JAMIE: Ahhh...Norman Osborne...Kord Industries. Time to get a job from that hot niece of the evil CEO woman. I have absolutely no skills, which means I hope there is an entry position for senior programmer or engineer.
JENNY KORD: Don't be surprised by the rocks that I got. I am still Jenny from the block. Hey, Jamie, I have a special job for you. You know how this company specializes in powerful insects that grant super powers to teenagers?
JAMIE: Yes, just like my uncle says, "with great Spanish power comes great Spanish responsibility."
JENNY KORD: Yes, can you take this box of mystery and scientific wonder home with you? Don't open it or mention it to a grabby family that has boundary issues.
INT. HOME
JAMIE: Hey grabby family with boundary issues, I have a mystical box of wonder and scientific mystery.
Family grabs it.
The Scarab takes over Jamie and by take over it destroys his entire skeletal and muscular system, while melting his organs.
UNCLE: This is worse than Saw
BEETLE JARVIS: Welcome to Blue Beetle 2.0. Are you ready for a tutorial of the controls?
JAMIE: Sure and a proper introduction of who you are would be nice.
Scarab jet rockets Jamie into multiple buildings and structures, causing millions in damage and causing public harm.
BEETLE JARVIS: Tutorial is done. Slapstick comedy is complete.
INT. KORD INDUSTRIES
Ms. KORD: I need the Scarab so I can power up an army of OMAC machines that will make us rich in the military sector.
DISCOUNT WHIPLASH: Since you need the Scarab as a power source that must mean my mech suit is not capable of fighting or heavy artillery.
MS. KORD: Actually no, your suit is operational and fully capable of fighting and killing Blue Beetle, which should be enough to get this project off the ground...but...(holds breath) I need that Scarab!!!!
EXT. SPANISH STREETS OF MIAMI, TEXAS
DISCOUNT WHIPLASH: Give me the Scarab!
JAMIE: How about I run away and wet myself instead?
BEETLE JARVIS: How about I takeover your body and fight this guy with tons of weapons and karate? There's nothing more honoring in the hero's journey than a sentient AI doing all the work for him.
Blue Beetle does a bunch of Matrix karate moves and shoots out lasers. He knocks Discount Whiplash on his butt.
BEETLE JARVIS: Now you must kill him, Jamie. The only way to kill someone in super hero movies is to stab him at close range while he is concussed.
JAMIE: I don't kill. Aunt May Mama and Uncle Ben Papa taught me better than that.
BEETLE JARVIS: (reading the script) Okay...switching you over to the Batman protocol, Non-Snyder edition.
INT. TED KORD HOME
JENNY KORD: After my mom died, my dad decided that life was too precious to waste, so he spent long hours playing with life sized action figures in his basement.
JAMIE: Your dad was the original Blue Beetle? He had powers like mine?
JENNY KORD: Even better, the Scarab wanted nothing to do with him so he had absolutely no relationship with your power source at all. He made cosplay.
JAMIE: So, he was nothing like me.
JENNY KORD: Yea, I don't know why I brought him up in this conversation.
JAMIE: So, what are my options?
JENNY KORD: Well, you can die and the scarab will fall go to evil corp, or you can have really awesome powers that do all the hero work for you with absolutely no training or development. It's a trillion dollar bullet proof vest and weapon manufacturing suit, which could make you millions of dollars just on kid's birthday parties alone.
JAMIE: Oh, please kill me. That seems like the better option.
EXT. JAMIE'S HOUSE
MAMA: Kord security destroyed our house
PAPA: I am having a heart attack...dead
MILAGRO: The Marvels is going to buy and sell us three times over.
NANA: My sewing machine broke.
JAMIE: We suck again.
The alien suit which can take bullets and missiles to the face gets taken down by a claw machine game proving that weapons that glow purple are more powerful than blue ones.
MS. KORD: I snagged me a Blue Beetle doll. Score.
NANA: We need to team up as a family, break into a military fortress, stop a billion dollar military project, and free our son. Did I mention I have uncontrollable blood lust?
UNCLE: Should be a cinch, seeing as I defeated Discount Whiplash by throwing an engine block at him.
EXT. MILITARY BASE
NANA: We are inside a Blue Beetle tank and are crushing bad guys under our feet. We are making so many wives and husbands into widows and I love it!
MAMA: I wonder where our son learned to be dead set against killing, since his family is killing people by the truck load and enjoying every moment of it.
INT. MILITARY BASE
MS. KORD: Now to rip the Blue Scarab from Jamie's body to power up our mechs. We already established that it will kill you, but I am going to be mean and have my henchmen extra kill you. Give me that Scarab, now!
DISCOUNT WHIPLASH: Because it is a power source that our machines will need to shoot lasers and missiles?
MS. KORD: Not really. They can do that without it.
DISCOUNT WHIPLASH: Now is a good time to remind you that I am just a wounded war veteran from Guatemala who misses his mom and I really wish you could sympathize with that.
MS. KORD: You know what? I don't like your attitude. I am changing your name to DISCOUNT OBADIAH STAIN.
INT. HEAVEN
JAMIE: I am dead and Heaven looks exactly like my low-rent house of poverty. God is really keeping things low budget.
PAPA: Son, I am a ghost. It's time for you to live up to your destiny. That destiny is going inside a powerful alien suit and letting the computer do all the heavy lifting and heroism, while you take the praise.
EXT. EXPLOSION PLANT
DISCOUNT OBADIAH STAIN: Take my electrical whip and my cluster missiles.
JAMIE: Take my Spider-Man kicks and Iron Man chest lasers. Here's a sticky rope that pulls me closer to you.
DISCOUNT OBADIAH STAIN: Are we just Marvel fans making a love letter to our favorite Marvel movies?
JAMIE: Hmmm...let me answer that with a beat-for-beat reprisal of the ending of Spider-Man: No Way Home.
DISCOUNT OBADIAH STAIN: You defeated me. Please don't kill me. I lost my mom...Martha.
JAMIE: I want to kill you because you work for the people that stressed my dad into having a heart attack.
BLUE TOBY GARFIELD JARVIS: Don't kill him. See the good in everyone.
JAMIE: I guess there is good in everyone.
DISCOUNT OBADIAH STAIN: I am so inspired by that heroic gesture that I am going to suicide bomb Ms. Kord.
JAMIE: I have taught you nothing!
EXT. JAMIE'S HOUSE
JAMIE: We did it! I kept 5/6 of my family alive, I decided to be the hero, I have hormonal desires for Jenny, and the whole city marched down the street to give us food, support, love, prayer, servitude, and money.
BROOKLYN NEIGHBOR: We are New Yorkers. Mess with one us of you mess with us all.
JENNY KORD: Don't forget the stinger at the end which will promise a sequel that James Gunn will most likely kill.
SCOTT LANG: Hi, it's Ant-Man the original Blue Beetle. I was lost in the Microverse Beetleverse. I came back to be a quirky dad who loves his daughter, bemoans his wife, has one-liners, awkward moments, light comedy fluff, and a cool action suit.
No comments:
Post a Comment