Competence not included
What is a Sweet Hearts Candy Truck?: An Aldi's original. A paper, tape, and stickers craft that assembles into a truck that helps you develop new creative swear words.
Who made this?: The engineer who worked at Kodak and said "the film industry is never going to decline." The guy who invented plastic wrap on CDs.
What is included? Double sided tape (minus one side which completely defeats the purpose of this project), three sheets of cardboard, stickers, cardboard cards, mockery toward mankind's progress in life, offenses against fingers, low self-esteem. Instructions that are vaguer than a teenager's answer to "how was school?"
What is not included: scissors, honesty, good engineering, value for money, a microscopic laser to remove the tape backing, a solder gun.
Who is this for?: Fathers who need extreme humility, children who aid America's decline into capitalism through fast food industry decisions, and tween girls. Jesus could use this as a metaphor for how impossible it is to get to Heaven on our own good works.
The positives: The sweat and frustration burned 50 calories. I had a good laugh when the instructions said the tape was double sided.
The negatives: My wife ripped up my man card and my son is looking for a replacement father on Craigslist.
Competition: Any toy designer with an elementary understanding of how adhesives work. Satan's demon in charge of discouragement. The Taliban working on a new torture technique.
Replay value: This better stay in the family for generations. I want this buried in my coffin with me. What? He broke it already??? Fuuuu...
Tagline: "You went to Aldis, bro. What did you expect?"
Review: 1 Mike out of 5
Prayer Request: For my manhood which was robbed by Sweet Hearts Candy Truck.
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