Jasper Fforde responds to my email

 Background: Larna Versus The Lifepires is hugely inspired by the writing of Jasper Fforde, a UK novelist who wrote the Thursday Next series. Thursday Next is a strong female protagonist that has insecurities and strengths that makes you love her more. Jasper's bizarre world building is fun and witty and he sticks to it 100%. 

I wrote an email asking for his help in marketing and advice for getting the book off the ground. He sent me this.

Hello Michael.

First off, congratulations on getting your book written and finished. I know how much work is required to do such a thing, and it is a considerable achievement. So again: congratulations.

I don’t do mentoring as I just don’t have the time, but when I get home I’ll try and send you a few top tips from my archive.

It’s really no secret and quite simple: just keep on writing until it starts to work for you. I wrote for thirteen years and wrote seven books in that time, and that’s not an unusual timeframe for a writer to get published. It’s not you being rejected, it’s you learning your craft. And it’s an odd craft. A Dark art that no one really can explain what to do, but you have to discover yourself on a journey of writing and writing and writing.

Basically, keep on doing what you’re doing. There are no short cuts, just pound that keyboard, experiment with the form and find the voice that is yours. 

All best

Jasper

Sent from my iPhone

Thank you Jasper for writing novels that are incredibly fun to read and make comedy and heroism so relatable. I do not know why BBC has not optioned your books yet.

Here's an explanation of his story. You can check out his website here.

If you have read all (or part) of Larna Versus The Lifepires, you can put your review in Amazon and help spread the word. Here.

 

Mike Reviews Stuff: The Sweet Hearts Valentine's Truck

                   Competence not included

What is a Sweet Hearts Candy Truck?: An Aldi's original. A paper, tape, and stickers craft that assembles into a truck that helps you develop new creative swear words.

Who made this?: The engineer who worked at Kodak and said "the film industry is never going to decline." The guy who invented plastic wrap on CDs.

What is included? Double sided tape (minus one side which completely defeats the purpose of this project), three sheets of cardboard, stickers, cardboard cards, mockery toward mankind's progress in life, offenses against fingers, low self-esteem. Instructions that are vaguer than a teenager's answer to "how was school?"

What is not included: scissors, honesty, good engineering, value for money, a microscopic laser to remove the tape backing, a solder gun.

Who is this for?: Fathers who need extreme humility, children who aid America's decline into capitalism through fast food industry decisions, and tween girls. Jesus could use this as a metaphor for how impossible it is to get to Heaven on our own good works.

The positives: The sweat and frustration burned 50 calories. I had a good laugh when the instructions said the tape was double sided.

The negatives: My wife ripped up my man card and my son is looking for a replacement father on Craigslist.

Competition: Any toy designer with an elementary understanding of how adhesives work. Satan's demon in charge of discouragement. The Taliban working on a new torture technique.

Replay value: This better stay in the family for generations. I want this buried in my coffin with me. What? He broke it already??? Fuuuu...

Tagline: "You went to Aldis, bro. What did you expect?"

Review: 1 Mike out of 5

Prayer Request: For my manhood which was robbed by Sweet Hearts Candy Truck.

Mike Reviews Stuff: Dollar General Headphones

What is the Chinese word for product that gives shame?

What are Dollar General Headphones?: A cost cutting alternative for audiophiles who have never heard of Amazon, Best Buy, or have never saved more than $20 in their bank account.

Tech Specs: The latest technology in two soup cans connected by a string. Real memory foam pleather. Bass and quality cancelling technology. Bluetooth that anyone over 40 will need the help of a tech genius to pair.

Comfort?: If you ever wondered what your head felt like going through live birth that is a standard feature. The asbestos in the ear cushions give an optimal 6 minutes of comfort before a rash breaks out. The instructions recommend great massage therapists for neck pain.

Great for: Giving your ears a little sauna experience. Ear weight is the hardest to lose.

Quality: I would love to tell you the quality over a Skype call, but the mic sounds like screaming underwater. Comes with a 6 inch charging cable and a handy guide on where to store said charging cable in your attic for generations.

Dollar General Guarantee: The manager of DG will personally call Burma and ask that the distributor punish the child who assembled these if they break.

Deal: Buy 3 cans of pickled herring eggs or Axe brand Vape Juice and get $2 off the headphones.

Easy storage?: It's as easy to store as several horse shoes in a fanny pack. Comes with a designer ziplock bag.

Comes with?: Enough plastic to show dolphins who really owns the oceans. Bite me, Flipper!

Tagline: "The perfect gift for a nephew you never really cared that much for"

Review: 0.5 Mikes out of 5

Prayer Request: Burma's children

Listen to this offer. Give Larna Versus The Lifepires: a fitness vampire novel a try, and have it be your new comedy thriller. It is about super heroes, crappy diets, vampires.

Mike Reviews Stuff: Hulu

Welcome to the Pfizer, Lipitor Entertainment Hour

What is a Hulu?: Imagine a bunch of erectile dysfunction pharmaceutical companies investing in basic cable and original shows that even Netflix thought were lame.

What can I get for $9 a month?: Commercials selling drugs to middle-aged men that are rudely interrupted by shows on ABC and FOX.

What can I get for $14 a month?: No commercials?! Who is going to tell me to try Lipitor, Astepro, Skyrizi, Mounjaro, Sotyktu, and Pfizer? 

But you don't want to miss: The Bachelorette, an addicting reality TV show where ten men compete to win the right to divorce a woman one year later.

A hidden gem: That Amish girl with a red bonnet, complaining because a man told her to do chores.

A smart hack: This is where Disney dumps their R-rated stuff. Who cares about Lilo and Stitch when you can watch Bikini Murder Island 4?

People love: Starting a brand new series at season 4.

The Negatives: Binge watching every 20/20 unsolved murder case will not earn you a degree in criminal justice. I already checked.

Is it for kids?: Your kids, who watch only 45 minutes of Boss Baby before picking up the tablet will love...watching 45 minutes of Boss Baby before picking up the tablet.

What else should I know?: You can enjoy exciting WWE programming...nope, wait. They just got rid of it. Nevermind.

Tagline: "Ask your doctor if a Disney owned streaming service is right for you?"

Review: 3 Mikes out of 5

Prayer Request: That poor couple about to be divorced in a year.

Do you like binging stuff? Of course you do. Give Larna Versus The Lifepires: a fitness vampire novel a try and have it be your new comedy thriller. It is about super heroes, crappy diets, vampires.

Mike Reviews Stuff: Wegmans Ready Made Meals

 

Shortly after Danny Wegman bought the White House.

What is a Wegmans?: Someone painted an Ikea brown and expanded the dining area just a touch further.

Owned By: Danny Wegman, the savior and downfall of Western New York.

Philosophy: You know how you can make a sandwich and soup for like three bucks, but then you get so disappointed because you still have money left over in your wallet? Wegmans found a solution to that problem.

Special Features: Yesterday's pizza, Yesterday's sandwich, Soup with lumps, Lumps with soup, Pretentious salad, Homeless man's Thanksgiving, Asian food made by a Caucasian. and an amazing sushi selection that forgives everything else

The Draw: The ultimate reward is you can go to bed saying, "I am not desperate enough to shop at Walmart." I think they have a badge now you can wear.

The Negatives: People starving in impoverished countries are watching you spend $13 for a few shrimp sprinkled over three leaves of spinach.

Competition: New York also has Tops, but that is like saying Toyota's greatest competitor is kids with wheelie shoes.

Make Sure to Check Out: Pretentious hippie drinks that combine fancy words like tea, green, kombucha, and vitamins. It's your Wonka Golden Ticket to the middle class. Also, the hot foods bar comes with a form so you can get a second mortgage on your house.

Every Smart Shopper Should Know: If you want to get a good deal, put glass shards in the salad and they will knock 2 bucks off the price.

Parents with Young Kids: Find creative ways to tell your kids that their birthday won't be that special because you chose to eat at the hot foods bar instead of getting them a gift.

Tagline: "I didn't go to Walmart. Give me a trophy!"

Review: 4 Mikes out of 5

Prayer Request: For the diverse family that needs a loan to celebrate their country's food prepared by an eighteen-year-old named Dwayne.

Mike Reviews Stuff: London Taxi: Rush Hour (Wii)

London Taxi: Rush Hour is actually a punishment for Britain

losing the Revolutionary War.

Bold threw it's hat in the ring, porting their PS2 game to the Wii. This is an ambitious shovelware disrupting the competitive ride share genre of games. I'm impressed that it presents its graphics two generations behind Dreamcast. Even the free game software kits can't do that. Feels like a remastered Mode 7 game.

Harder to steer than a Volvo with you having brooms for hands. Car will turn on a dime and then turn on a mile of gold bars. Backing up and correcting your path is hilarious. It is like someone made a game out of the one scene in Austin Powers where he gets stuck between two walls in a golf cart. Our hip hop forefathers did not intend for this to exist when they penned "back that thing up."

 The settings openly mock you for trying to change the controls, boldly stating, "these controls are as changeable as Communism in China." Speaking of options, crank up that volume as the artistic stylings of generic horn section #13 fills your speakers. Really puts NoFX and Offspring out of business.

Game has innovative mechanics like power ups and an aggravation meter where clients can complain about the taxi's cleanliness and their whiplash record. The aggravation meter closely mirrored mine. You can change to a 1st person mode so you can clearly see the disappointment of each client as you fail them and send them to the hospital. But London Taxi is not all new ground. They managed to keep the Crazy Boost, which is just the frame skip sped up. Hey, if it ain't broke.

After completing an 8 minute round in beautiful six polygon Thames, I owed the taxi company 20,000 pounds (8 boxes of tea).

Review: 2.5 Mikes out of 5

Prayer Request: For the employee who tested this and said, "yea, that seems right."